Polls: Americans Hate Douchebags

Bad news Douchebag party. Rasmussen, the polling outfit that specializes in the key demographics you draw from (old, white, "conservative") is showing that only 8% of respondees will actually cop to being among your numbers and only 30% of likely voters have a favorable opinion of your foul, illiterate crap. So, like, last week it was all "we're coming for you with the worst tantrum ever." You may find yourselves throwing a much smaller tantrum that you originally anticipated, dear Douchebaggers. But don't let that stop you. Come unhinged and show people what you're really made of. That way lies irrelevancy.

Douchebaggers Promise Epic Tantrum

“We now have 85 members of the House who have shunned their noses at us,” said Dustin Stockton, a Texas- and Nevada-based operative and the chief strategist of The Tea Party.net. “Our job now is to recruit and inspire and motivate people to run against those Republicans who did it. They will need their noses and they shunned them. At us. Nobody can be elected without a nose and that's in the constitution and the Bible."

 "This will be the biggest tantrum ever now that congress didn't let the country go over the fiscal cliff," said one characteristically vocal Douchebag Patriot after Tuesday night's last minute deal that raised taxes and did very little to cut spending. "Cutting spending during a recession like Hoover did is the only road out of this mess. I knows my history. And this will mean more taxes for the people who take the responsibility for keeping all of the money, like the Kochs and Romney. We should be thanking them instead of making them pay taxes. It's hard being rich because you have to be able to count high. In numbers. Now I won't make any money next year because billionaires will have to pay taxes and won't give me a job. I'm lucky I'm retired, so none of this really effects me."

 The Douchebags have announced that their tantrums are going to be louder than ever before. "All of our candidates won in the last election," claimed Stockton, the Texas-Nevada Douchebag. "We're going to scream so loud that everyone will vote for Douchebags just to shut us up. I have a two-year-old and that's what he does. You'll see. This is brilliant political strategy. Guns also."